Dreams of what we'll never have
by Pearlislove
Summary: Pearl carries a dark secret, that she used to call Blue. All the way from Homeworld and into rebellion she carried it with her, never telling a soul. Until a nightmare give it all away. Pearl knew keeping secrets from Rose was useless. She always find out, anyway. Inspired by 'moment that words can't reach' by Fireweed15 on AO3


"Aaaaah!"

The sound of the little gems gleeful joller made made Pearl smile, her arms closing tighter around the tiny thing in her arms. She was so cute, her little _Blue_ (pearls were called pearls but she called her _Blue_ ), perfect in all the ways that Pearl was not, and she could only imagine the if not free, but successful future awaiting her baby.

A gem as perfect and attractive as _Blue_ would surely be able to land a compassionate gem looking for an appealing Pearl to make her lover and call her own.

The best of future a pearl could ever have on Homeworld.

"But that's not for many years" Pearl whispered, bring the baby closer to her face and sweeping the thick quilt tighter around its fragile body. "For now you're mine, and mine only."

"No she she is not!"

The harsh words of her master cut through the air, and when Pearl looked down, the baby wasn't in her arms anymore. It was gone. Panic filled her mind as she got up from her seat and started looking around, screaming her baby's name.

"Blue! Bluuuue! BLUUUUUE!" Her scream,grow more and more desperate, and she run around the room faster, hitting on the door and walls looking for a way to escape, to increase her search area as she looked for her beloved baby.

She had to get her back.

"PEARL!" Someone is screaming her name, suddenly grabbing her by the arms from behind, holding her tight and pressing her against the floor. Panic keep rising in her chest, and she fight, she fight to get free but to no avail. She is stuck, and she can't get up, can't go to look for her baby.

She is doomed, but the panic is still beating hard in her chest, and she can't stop herself from squirming even if she wanted to.

"PEARL WAKE UP!"

Her eyes shot right open, and she recognise that the arms holding her down is not those of a soldier, trying to limit the crazy Pearl looking for her daughter, but instead Rose Quartz, trying to hold her still and stop her from falling out of her bed.

"W-what? Did...where...who?" Even though she now recognised, that she is not in her old chambers, but in a soft bed with a tender lover, the details concerning it all still appear fuzzy. Is she in Rose Quartz chambers on Homeworld , or on Earth? Is the the rebellion real, or just a dream? She couldn't tell, couldn't possibly know even though she tried to.

She only knew that her baby hadn't been a dream. That _Blue_ had actually existed, and for just a moment, she had been back in her arms, and it had felt so _right._

"I think you were having a nightmare. You were thrashing around and screaming in your sleep. I tried to hold you down, but it only seemed to make it worse." Rose explained softly, fingers moving around strands of loose hair and putting them back into place on Pearl's head. "Who was Blue? You called for her in your dream"

"Blue" She repeat it, whisper it to herself like she needed to remind herself who Rose is asking about. When the realisation hit, when Pearl's mind catch up and she realise Rose is asking about _her daughter_ , _her sweet, sweet, daughter ,_ it hurts.

It hurt so much, the pain appearing from nowhere and attacking Pearl as if to remind her that it never really left. That it will always be there to put clouds in her sky. She let out a strangled cry and buried her head in the pillow in an attempt to flee the harsh reality

"Pearl!" In but a moment Rose Quartz is there, hands sneaking around Pearl's waist and lifting her up from the pillow, placing her heaving body against hers. "Pearl it's alright, everything's going to be just fine"

She speak with such conviction, not even knowing what it is that's breaking Pearl down but building her up none the less. As if it didn't matter what it was that hindered her, but everything could still be okay if just the right words were used.

But this time it would not work. She would not be conciled. The pain was weighing her down too heavy, and as Rose put their bodies together, Pearl's small and heaving one against her big and solid one, her tears was simply amplified. Pearl's sobs grew louder and her body shock more, as she thought of that this, how she felt right there in Rose's arms, must have been how her baby felt in hers.

"Oh, my little Pearl, please don't cry. who might this Blue be, who shattered your heart this way?" This time, her question is not nonchalant and curious, but polite and laced with real worry that she was unwilling to show her lover.

"My daughter. Blue is my daughter." It takes minutes before she's ready to speak, and when she does, Rose almost drop Pearl out of shock, the upper part of her body falling down and her head hitting hard against the edge of the wooden-made bed.

"Argh!" The hit sent pain raging through her gen, and tears were almost bursting out of Pearls eyes as Rose hoisted her up again, pressing her closer to her chest than before and dropping healing tears on the bump on the back of her head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. " Rose whispered, more tears leaking from her eyes." I just….you never told me you had a _daughter_! We could have saved her, Pearl. We could have brought her with us!"

"Rose...no!" For a moment, the could have been is so tempting, the idea of a world where her daughter is right by her side as bittersweet as it can be. "She… my owner gifted her. To the Blue Court. She was just two days, but she still did it...and now it's been long since i saw her. "

"Pearl!" It sound like an accusation, but the hand that covered her mouth a second later told Pearl it was not. Like Rose would ever accuse Pearl of anything "She was there, when we attacked the sky arena, wasn't she? If you could have just told me, we could have taken her. She would have been safe."

Too late, Rose realised that the last sentence was a mistake. "She would have been safe". Pearl's face twisted, agony and anger covering her features as she stared at her lover. Her daughter would never be safe. Whether she was left with Blue Diamond or with the Crystal Gems, she would be in danger, and in that situation she prefered safely tucked away in some strategy room or a private ship, over their make-shift covers and harsh battlefields.

She could not give everything for their cause, if her daughter was there with her. She could not let her daughter give her everything for their cause, like her mother did.

"I can't have her here, Rose. In the rebellion. With us. I can't. Being Blue Diamond's personal pearl is safety compared to what we do, and you know it."

It was easy to imagine, her tiny daughter bleeding out in a muddy battlefield, and it was an image Pearl refused to see. Even if it were to happen, Pearl never wanted that scene put before her eyes, and through keeping her daughter away from her she assured it never would.

"I know" Rose whispered. "But if we get another shot at it, another shot at grabbing Blue Diamond, I will buy you time to talk to her. She deserve to hear her mother say she love her." Rose patted Pearl on the head and lifted her off her lap, onto the bed, assuming the conversation were over. She had offered what little comfort she had to give the after such a long time still grieving mother.

"Rose...if we get another chance...at capturing Blue Diamond and her, I mean…" Pearl started, stuttering slightly, knowing too well what the words about to pass her lips would mean. "Promise you shatter her. For me. At first chance you get."

It was much she was asking of her lover, she knew that, and if she hadn't, Rose's horrified expression would have told her as much. But it needed to be said, needed to be done, and Pearl could never do it herself. Not to the wonder she created. Anyone but her.

"I will. I promise I will." Rose voice trembled, and she sigh. It was horrible, but she understood. It was all the mercy a mother could give her daughter, the both of them caught in a war where neither belonged. She had no choice, Rose thought. Still, things like this made her doubt that their intentions in this war was as pure as she told herself they were.

 _Not that Pearl and her daughter would have held a better future in a world without this war I'm leading…_

They never spoke of that night, or what they had said during it, ever again, but when Blue Diamond's carriage was discovered by their troops, discarded on a hill mid - battle, they silently agreed to what must have happened. Blue was dead, and that was it. She had been taken from the horrors of the war to the bliss of the afterlife, if such a thing did exist. When Pearl fought, taking hits ment for Rose Quartz, she took solace in the fact that maybe, just maybe, she'd met her daughter there some day.

 _Why being shattered in reality would matter, the mother never knew. For she had already shattered in an invisible way, the day that they took her daughter from her._


End file.
